blog

“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”

New Year, Less Insecure & Scatterbrained Me

Photo by Ryan Tippery

Photo by Ryan Tippery

After speculating over my embarrassingly bitten nails and consuming my third cup of coffee, I have managed to dispel my hesitation in writing this post in hopes of reaching personal clarity. A peculiar occurrence unfolded itself while I was back at home, and it caused me to genuinely think about who I was as person and what I was interested in doing: I found a diary from my 6th grade year. Aside from all the cringe worthy phrases I used and the naive declarations of love to my pre-adolescent crushes, there was a sense of direction within each of the words I had written. To be frank, I loved myself, the people around me, and I was happy with life had handed to me at that moment (apart from the fact that I was lacking the experience of a “first kiss”). I’m a firm believer that high school did not bear the best years of my life, and in fact I’ve concluded my time spent there, and in middle school, ruined an extensive part of me. Like every other 14 to 17 year old girl, I was disinclined to prove I was intelligent and interesting, giving me the idea that standing in the shadows of others was the most customary action to take. Unfortunately, I’m one of many young women that were institutionally encouraged to avoid looking like a “teachers pet” and mumbled correct answers under their breath. Looking back at this bound notebook made me undeniably upset that I spent a majority of my young years being focused on extraneous situations and the opinions of immaterial people. It’s unfair to blame my self-diagnosed social anxiety on the actions of others, and it’s wrong to say that it has not benefited me in most ways. At this point in my life, it’s counterproductive to let bitterness become part of my being, but reflecting on both positive and negative aspects of my brief existence is important for self growth.

So what’s next? As of today, I am roughly 4 months away from being twenty years old–approximately two decades of a bright smile, curly hair, and charismatic aspirations–and I’m still a bonafide mess. But honestly who isn’t at this age? About a month ago, 2015 began and I started to really think about what this year has to offer me. Of course like any other person using any social media outlet,  I’m entirely cynical about the whole concept of New Years Resolutions, but there is something about my current independence and growing maturity that has caused me re-think the cliche proposals I made in the past. This year, there are a numerous amount of things that I want to do differently and most importantly, properly. God forbid this is not the rebirth of Sofala Ntweng-Knapton, but rather a step in the right direction. I’m aware that I have potential, and now I’m interested in using it. The events that occurred in 2014 made me realize I am indisputably tired of being afraid to speak my mind in hopes of tip toeing around the feelings and egos of others. I’m deciding to to say au revoir to my previous inhibitions and voluntarily loosening the restraint on my direct expression.

Cheers to new ideas, new adventures, and new perspectives.